Thursday, October 02, 2003

Reach out and touch faith

If you ever saw Cool Hand Luke, you know that one of the best parts of that terrific movie is when Paul Newman sings "Plastic Jesus," which goes:

I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far

Well, several years ago, at an extremely idle moment, I wrote some more verses. I thought I'd share them with you. Feel free to contribute your own.

It don't matter how fast I goes-es
Long as I got electric Moses
Smilin' at me from the ol' rear view
'Cause if the cop don't treat me nice
Ol' Moe will plague him with frogs and lice
And part the traffic so we can get through

I don't care if the rain starts fallin'
Long as I got my tiny Stalin
On the dash of my convertible
We'll purge the kulaks, seize the land
Start a brand new five year plan
And get wet, but at least our day is full

The fuzz is helpless when I littler
Long as I got my iron Hitler
Scowlin' from the dashboard of my van
I throw my trash onto the blacktop
And if we're bugged by some jerk cop
We'll just go annex Sudetanland

I don't care if people ogle
As I am performin' yoga-l
Cruisin' down the highway toward my goal
I grab the wheel with my two feet
And stick my head beneath the seat
And contemplate the Zen of cruise control

Don't mind my leaky radiator
Long as I know there's no creator
And the universe is authorless and vast
I drive around the belfry steeple
Screamin' at the Jesus people:
"Would a just God make us pay so much for gas?!"

I don't need my road rage pistol
Long as I got the New Age crystal
That I got from my good friend the witch
Cut me off, I'll take swift action
And using the principle of refraction
Blind you, so you swerve into a ditch

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