I scream

I'm always looking for the perfect frozen dairy outlet, and Madison, Wis. is an excellent place for this sort of questing. First prize generally alternates between Michael's and the Chocolate Shoppe, depending on how I'm feeling, but they're both superb. Dairy Queen also is not to be underestimated, and the Culver's chain is reassuringly omnipresent. I must confess that local favorite Babcock Hall leaves me a little cold, pardon the expression. Don't get me wrong: it's very good ice cream, made by University of Wisconsin food-science experts, but I think there are even better options around these parts. The fact that a Ben & Jerry's outlet will open this summer complicates things delightfully. I think some Wisconsinites might view this as Vermonter carpetbagging, but I say the more, the merrier, especially since Ben & Jerry's ice cream is, let's face it, great.

Recently I scanned the Yellow Pages in search of hidden gems--Monona Bait & Ice Cream looks promising--and I was reminded that there is a local outlet of TCBY, the frozen yogurt chain that was so au courant in the go-go 1980s. (How could I forget? I pass that TCBY all the time; it's in the same mall as one of my favorite Madison landmarks, the budget cinema.) So last weekend Ereck and I, in the spirit of adventure, sampled what posits itself as the country's best yogurt and--

We were profoundly disappointed. That frozen yogurt is a sad confection, almost flavorless, and an air of shame hangs over the place. Quite literally: there are signs saying, "All of the pleasure, none of the guilt," a marketing formula that is fraudulent through and through. First of all, the product gave me no pleasure. Secondly, I reject the notion that dessert equals guilt. But most distressing is the implication that low-fat treats induce no guilt because carbohydrate calories are somehow less fattening than fat calories. This is a fallacy any nutritionist--heck, any sensible person--could clear up in an instant. True, TCBY sells frozen desserts prepared with artificial sweeteners, but the thought of those just makes me shudder.

Never again.