Today's lazy blog entry

Look! A list from the Internet, reproduced for you! I always liked this collection of proverbs for musicians, which has been passed from e-mail account to e-mail account for nigh on five and a half years. Some of them are dated, others ungrammatical, all useful.

The one about going through more than four bass players is uncomfortable for me, and so are the ones about talking on stage, cable-access television and asking members of an audience how they are doing. (It's hard to think of stuff to say up on the stage!)

Some of these no longer make any sense, like #21, "No one cares if you have a Web site." As someone who has written about music for many years, I can affirm: Music writers care if you have a Web site. Saves time. Also false is #15: "When your drummer brings in a song for the band, find a new drummer." The drummer with whom I have worked the most, Thomas Crofts, writes the best songs you've ever heard.

But I am just devastated by #4, "No one cares who you opened for." That's a bomb I've been known to drop. (Did you know I opened for Billy Joe Shaver? Hank Williams III? Neko Case?)

1. Never start a band with a married couple
2. Your managers not helping you. Fire them.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you opened for.
5. A string section does not make you sound more important.
6. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their work.
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small-talk
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on a cable access show.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim you have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom," and "guaranteed three record deal."
12. When you get dropped insist you had the "worst" deal ever and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When your drummer brings in a song for the band, find a new drummer.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do, you're already a loser.
17. Scary word pairings: "rock opera," "blues jam," "swing band," and "open mike."
18. Drummers can take off their shirts, or wear gloves. Never both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock and roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase," it's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares if you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Virginia Beach and Charlottesville doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in many different colors and sizes, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up (Plan Ahead)
28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks. ditto Light Show.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally designed album cover and one you did on your computer.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, then why can so many 16 year-olds play them?
31. If you ever take a bad publicity photo, destroy it, or else it will come back to haunt you.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrows.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons "Major Label Interest," "demo deal," "blues genius."
36. Things that are never coming back: headbands, gongs, playing guitar with a beer bottle.